Mourning a loss can be painful, but research tells us that it can also be the catalyst for a renewed sense of meaning that offers purpose and direction to life. A loss can be a death or a loss of a job, a relationship, a status, or an identity.

Tips for Coping with Loss

Here are some things you can do if you’re coping with loss or grief:

• Connect. When we experience a loss it is common to worry about burdening other people. Reaching out and sharing your experience can both support you and others so don’t hesitate to open up about how you’re feeling.
• Have compassion for yourself. Crying or breaking down doesn’t mean you’re weak. You don’t need to shield the people in your life by keeping it together. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry, etc.
• Make room for joy. When we experience a loss it’s common to feel guilty about experiencing joy. Everyone’s grief is experienced differently. Just because one person might experience a whole range of emotions doesn’t mean they don’t feel the pain of the loss- we all have different ways of coping.
• Accept your feelings. You may experience a wide range of emotions from sadness, anger or even exhaustion. All of these feelings are normal and it’s important to recognize when you are feeling this way. If you feel stuck or overwhelmed by these emotions, it may be helpful to talk with a mental health professional.
• Support others dealing with the loss. Spending time with loved ones or peers who also went through the loss and supporting them can be useful. Whether it’s sharing stories or talking things through, these small efforts can make a big difference to some. Helping others has the added benefit of making you feel better as well.
• Celebrate the lives of your loved ones. Anniversaries of a lost loved one can be a difficult time for friends and family, but it can also be a time for remembrance and honoring them. It may be that you decide to collect donations to a favorite charity of the deceased, passing on a family name to a baby or planting a garden in memory. What you choose is up to you, as long as it allows you to honor that unique relationship in a way that feels right to you.

Post Traumatic Growth

Oftentimes we look at a loss or trauma as something that tarnishes us. We might feel shame that we went through a loss or feel like we’re broken or undesirable. The truth is there’s a lot of research that actually shows we might become stronger, have deeper connections, and achieve greater if we’ve been through a trauma or substantial loss in our lives.

The phenomenon was identified by psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun in the 1990s and is called, Post Traumatic Growth. Based on their research, they described five categories of growth that occur, overtime, after a trauma or loss:

1. Changes in how you relate to other people
2. Recognition of new opportunities, priorities or pathways in life
3. Greater appreciation for the value of one’s own life, and life in general
4. Recognition of one’s own strength
5. Spiritual or existential development

Survivors of trauma and loss recognize and embrace new opportunities. They forge stronger relationships with loved ones as well as with victims who suffered in the same way. They cultivate inner strength through the knowledge that they have overcome tremendous hardship. They gain a deeper appreciation for life. And their relationship to religion and spirituality changes and evolves. If you’ve been through a loss or trauma, it can be useful to flip your lens and see the loss or trauma in this new way.

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References:

1. Grief: Coping with the loss of your loved one. American Psychological Association. Published January 1, 2020. Accessed April 10, 2023. https://www.apa.org/topics/families/grief.
2. Collier L. Growth after trauma. American Psychological Association. Published November 2016. Accessed April 10, 2023. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2016/11/growth-trauma.
3. Tedeschi RG, Calhoun LG. Tempered by fire. Psychology Today. Published September 24, 2013. Accessed April 10, 2023. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/beyond-resilience/201309/tempered-fire.

Cover photo by Arif Riyanto on Unsplash